laughing at my fear

I have been learning lately how to take myself less seriously. I am most definitely on a journey with Jesus. Sometimes it has been intense and introspective, but mostly just wildly ridiculous. I have really been learning the importance of letting go of a lot of things... Including my fears. Namely, my fear of man. I was sitting with my pal Jesus one day, and we decided together that this one has really got to go. Its about time.

The thing is, most people would look at me and say... You don't seem very fearful. In fact... probably since I was a small child I have been a bit of a risk taker. I wanted to go on all the scariest rides, take my bike down the fastest hill, and climb the highest tree/jungle gym/house available. I guess somewhere along the line I got this idea that I wasn't supposed to be afraid of anything, and if I was then I was weak. And that being weak is bad. Well, I realize now that that is just not true. Being weak is actually good. Being wrong is ok too. Messing up is forgivable. These may seem like obvious revelations, but I have really spent my entire life believing the opposite of these truths. God has focused on this with me lately though, and shown me the truth of how when I am weak He is strong. When I feel like the worst screw-up of a missionary/Christian/person, He is actually doing something greater in me.

The thing is, when I preform at less that the "expected standard" I feel this overwhelming shame cover me. I hate it. But I seriously worry about what others think. If I am wrong or if I don't know everything about a topic, shame. And when I just straight drop the ball and don't do what I "should," massive shame. Shame on me. I am SUCH a loser.

Well, the truth is that yes, I need to (wo)man up, put on my big girl panties and get what I need to do done. I need to be the grown-up that I and others know I am capable of being. But I am also not called to live in shame and self condemnation when I fail. CHYA. I am called to stand in confidence with Christ and ask Him to help me. Because when I am weak, HE is strong. I can ask Him for motivation, clarity, strength, etc. I long ago accepted the fact that yes, I can be a little slow, no I don't know everything, and in spite of my greatest efforts I will never be perfect. I don't have to be at the top of my class, I don't have to compare myself to anyone else. I can just be me and do the best that I can do. If I am a passing (s*****) who is an amazing midwife, then I did exactly what I came here to do. If I mess up and drop the ball sometimes, thats ok too. I have freedom in Christ to FAIL. But the question is, what will I do next? Wallow in my shame and self pity, getting myself more and more behind? OR move on, (wo)man up, and get going (even if its hard). I would rather be the second person. Because I want to be a person of integrity and honor.

So as introspective and intense as that was... I guess this post is really about saying that I have decided to get more done, not be ashamed if I don't, and laugh my butt off every day. The End.