Still smiling

Well its been the mother of all intense weeks for me.

Not only have I been extremely busy, but I've had a few rough moments. I think I have some un-processed grief, shock, and stuff. I'm waiting for the floodgates to open... Probably once this next research project is finished and turned in. YUP. I'm stressed. So stressed, that I can't really process things normally. No I change my mind, I usually process by writing, so this is normal.

Well, in the last week I have found out that my closest friend here in the Philippines is leaving in less than 10 days (from today), had an intense birth, and an intense amount of pressure to complete a research project that I have been behind on. I took a test to measure my stress, and it told me that there is an 80% chance that I will develop a serious physical illness in the next 2 years. Haha. Ok, well I think there is some validity to the thing, and its definitely true that I don't think I could keep going like this forever, but I do have a MASSIVE amount of God's grace in my life. And I DO know that HE will bring me through to the other side of all my trials and tribulations and I will be stronger, more humbled by His love, and closer to Him.

Oh yes... and my sister is moving to Ohio! Really its awesome. She will be attending grad school and doing some research there as she works to get her PhD. I'm super proud of her. She has worked so hard to get to this point and now she is stepping out and going after her dream. Sadly though, it means more change. It means that when I get home, my sister won't be there. That will be a first for me. Something that definitely needs time to sink in! I miss my sister! I suppose our Skype relationship will just have to continue for the next several years.

Something that happened this week, right smack in the midst of my stress... I got a message from home telling me about the tragic death of someone I loved dearly. He was a man that went to my church. My mom and I were good friends with him and his wife. We often spent the holidays with them and numerous other occasions over the years. He was sweet, loving, and intelligent. Someone who was SO easy to love. I remember sitting with him talking about business or politics or him giggling like a giddy school girl over something silly I had done. I will miss my friend Rob SO SO much. I am so heartbroken by the way he felt he needed to end his own suffering. My hope is that his family will continue to praise God in the most hopeless and tragic of circumstances. "For we know that God uses ALL things to work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28. My prayer is hope for the hopeless and God's light in the darkness.

This is something that I think won't entirely sink in until I get home... There are two friends I have lost since being here, and its weird. It usually sinks in for me when someone passes because I stop seeing them or there is some sort of closure, like a memorial. At some point, I will come home and everything will be different from how I left it. This isn't wrong, its just different. Something my dad always used to say is that, "You can never go home again." Meaning that things will never be the same as you used to remember them. The past is just that, its the past. So that being said, I am thankful that I know my God, and He is so powerful and mighty. I can be sure of my future and that what He has in it for me is good. Even if trials and chaos are all I will continue to experience here on Earth, my life is eternal and it will end. God is mighty and just, and He will make all wrongs right someday.

SO how you ask do I deal with stress? Well other than taking giant handfuls of vitamins and herbs, prayer, dancing around in my underwear, and acting like the crazy person I am, I write. Lots and lots. I write and write, until I have nothing left to write... Wait no. I aways have something to say. I write until I get tired. Yep, thats much more accurate.

The thing is, as I have been working to process I have counted so many unjust things going on around me. At some point, it might make a person hopeless. But I'm still smiling. Why? Because God is just and worthy and good and beautiful. He is SO worthy to be praised and glorified. Hey now, I've been to hell and back in my life, and I have seen the power of restoration and the miracles He is capable. It pains Him to see us suffer, but He uses it for His good. And I have seen evidence of that over and over again. I don't worry in the face of adversity, because I KNOW the God of the impossible. He's pretty rad by the way.

I want to tell a story about someone I know here in the Philippines. Her name is Rosalina. She is a Badjao woman. The Badjao are a people group that live in Southeast Asia. They are called "Sea Gypsies" by some people. Here in the Philippines, they are some of the poorest and most oppressed people. They rarely know their own age, how to read or write, and they have their own language. The typical Badjao follows some version of Islamic mysticism. However, Rosalina and her husband are a different. They are believers, and they are amazing. When I first got here, I met them when they came to our house to sell some pearls and various assorted jewelry-type things. I immediately fell in love with their sweet little family. Rosalina, her bana, and their little girl. At the time she was about 7 months pregnant. I saw her when she came to the clinic one day and she was just about due. I quickly asked Jesus "Please let me be there when Rosalina gives birth!" That very night, I was on night shift, and who walks in? Rosalina. We called her midwife, and she gave birth to a sweet little boy within an hour of getting to the clinic. Several weeks later, for whatever reason, her precious little boy became sick and died of pneumonia. Heartbreaking. Not ok. Not just.  I was so sad about what happened to this amazing family who is serving God and their people in the face of adversity! But something about this girl will stick with me forever, and that was watching what she did next.
She continued to bring the Badjao women to our clinic. I have seen her over and over. Still grieving, I saw her in the hallway one day as I was getting ready for prenatals that morning. As I hugged her and told her I love her, I felt her buckle a little in my arms. I told her I love her, and she responded with a sober, "I know." The other day she brought a Badjao girl to the clinic for a baby check-up. She was just radiant when I saw her holding her friend's baby. I looked at her from where I was sitting and I was struck by her courage in the face of pain. She brought these women who needed care to the clinic in spite of how she felt. She continues to do it over and over again. Something I see in her is a virtue that goes beyond earthly values. Rosalina is truly one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I consider her to be a hero in the faith and am honored just to know her. Its funny how someone can touch your life so significantly when you don't even speak the same language. I am amazed every day as God shows me His kingdom being lived out here on earth.
                            My precious friend, Rosalina. A true Proverbs 31 woman.

 
Proverbs 31:30-31
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

So how the heck can I not be smiling when I know people like this!?

laughter is the best medicine

It probably has to do with the massive amounts of stress that I am under all the time... Oh this weird/crazy life. But I find that laughing has become more and more important to me. I need to do it every day. Its not too hard to get my fix with all the insane and strange things that happen around my house... Lots of which, I probably shouldn't talk about here. Lets just suffice it to say, living with a lot of women who work a job where you have to talk about embarrassing things (such as sex, breastfeeding, women problems, etc) can get pretty darn interesting sometimes.

The lastest jokes might have to do with birth, whether it was a funny birth in a taxi, jeepny, tricycad, or CR (bathroom). The best part is the looks on the faces of the people who were not planning to be at the birth (taxi driver, jeepny passengers, etc.) Oh I think that birth can be SO funny.

I once had a patient who had a taxi birth. I asked her when she had felt the urge to push... She told me when the taxi driver took her to the local government hospital and that was where she first felt the need to push, then she told him. "NO, take me to that one (the one where I volunteer) clinic!!!!" She had her baby shortly after ( it was her third, so he just sort of slid out on the way to the clinic). They were super fun to take care of though! A sweetheart couple in love with each other and their baby!

There was another birth here a few days later. A lady had her baby on the jeepny. The best part? The other passengers were all nursing students! They just looked on and were terrified! Haha. Poor people...

Or maybe we laugh at some horrified bana's reaction to his wife giving birth for the first time (my favorite is when the bana threw up 6 times).

Yes its true... Lots of funny things happen around here. Some are appropriate to talk about, some aren't. But I think it is the much needed comedic relief for a life of such intensity. We are after all serving the poor, and sometimes sad things happen. Sometimes we are left slightly traumatized, and a really good or really funny birth is JUST what we need to move on. God knows right? He is great at sending the perfect comedic relief, or awesome patient at the perfect time. He is SO good. Because God knows, that sometimes we just need to laugh so hard that we shoot milk out of our nose... Even though we hadn't had milk for months.

laughing at my fear

I have been learning lately how to take myself less seriously. I am most definitely on a journey with Jesus. Sometimes it has been intense and introspective, but mostly just wildly ridiculous. I have really been learning the importance of letting go of a lot of things... Including my fears. Namely, my fear of man. I was sitting with my pal Jesus one day, and we decided together that this one has really got to go. Its about time.

The thing is, most people would look at me and say... You don't seem very fearful. In fact... probably since I was a small child I have been a bit of a risk taker. I wanted to go on all the scariest rides, take my bike down the fastest hill, and climb the highest tree/jungle gym/house available. I guess somewhere along the line I got this idea that I wasn't supposed to be afraid of anything, and if I was then I was weak. And that being weak is bad. Well, I realize now that that is just not true. Being weak is actually good. Being wrong is ok too. Messing up is forgivable. These may seem like obvious revelations, but I have really spent my entire life believing the opposite of these truths. God has focused on this with me lately though, and shown me the truth of how when I am weak He is strong. When I feel like the worst screw-up of a missionary/Christian/person, He is actually doing something greater in me.

The thing is, when I preform at less that the "expected standard" I feel this overwhelming shame cover me. I hate it. But I seriously worry about what others think. If I am wrong or if I don't know everything about a topic, shame. And when I just straight drop the ball and don't do what I "should," massive shame. Shame on me. I am SUCH a loser.

Well, the truth is that yes, I need to (wo)man up, put on my big girl panties and get what I need to do done. I need to be the grown-up that I and others know I am capable of being. But I am also not called to live in shame and self condemnation when I fail. CHYA. I am called to stand in confidence with Christ and ask Him to help me. Because when I am weak, HE is strong. I can ask Him for motivation, clarity, strength, etc. I long ago accepted the fact that yes, I can be a little slow, no I don't know everything, and in spite of my greatest efforts I will never be perfect. I don't have to be at the top of my class, I don't have to compare myself to anyone else. I can just be me and do the best that I can do. If I am a passing (s*****) who is an amazing midwife, then I did exactly what I came here to do. If I mess up and drop the ball sometimes, thats ok too. I have freedom in Christ to FAIL. But the question is, what will I do next? Wallow in my shame and self pity, getting myself more and more behind? OR move on, (wo)man up, and get going (even if its hard). I would rather be the second person. Because I want to be a person of integrity and honor.

So as introspective and intense as that was... I guess this post is really about saying that I have decided to get more done, not be ashamed if I don't, and laugh my butt off every day. The End.