I have been thinking a lot about how the gospel pertains to my life, and particularly my current circumstances.
Living life here can be challenging... Its really always hard being on the mission field. Its a battle. There is so much spiritual warfare, and sometimes it feels like we aren't supposed to talk about it. I think its important to share transparently though, because we know that, "God uses all things to work together for good..." Romans 8:28, and because I feel like its important for the church in general, but especially people who support missionaries and want to be missionaries to be candidly told the rough, ugly, and beautiful truth of how hard it is to live out the gospel, and how unspiritual and dry it often feels.
As a missionary lots of the time you feel alone, forgotten, lost in the shuffle. And really, nobody here can know me like my family and friends know me. This place is so crazy, its like culture shock on steroids sometimes! If you can remember, I wrote a little about it in my last newsletter (the birth room culture, midwife language, and several Filipino dialects, community living all rolled into one). Its easy to feel homesick, and I have definitely had the thought or consideration to come home more than once.
We are not only students, but missionaries, and midwives. We are literally fighting a battle for life. Sometimes we lose. Sometimes babies are lost. Sometimes mamas are transported to the hospital for things out of our control. Being a midwife is hard. Its taxing on your body, all the moving, bending, pushing, pulling (you'd be surprised at how physical it can be), and we are up crazy random hours of the night and day, with no real schedule. It can also be draining on your emotions when you pour your heart into a patient that may get transported to the hospital for complications or when a patient tragically loses her baby. Its not fair.
In addition, I am learning lots of new information, trying to finish large research assignments in short amounts of time while serving as a full time missionary and working 3 days a week as a midwife. I am so in need of God's strength and endurance. I often miss home. Especially the amazing church family I have, who consistently love a support me. I don't have that here. But I do have God to lean on and get my strength from... I am constantly thankful that when I am weak, He is strong. Because dang, I am SO weak. Haha.
Some things a couple people encouraged me with recently, are:
1. Even though it feels like I am going backwards, often struggling with things that I haven't struggled with in years, feeling inadequate, immature, rejected, denied, weak, and genrally screwed up. Things are not as they seem. I am being transformed by the power of the holy spirit. In a pressure cooker. I am praying that I come out closer to God and that my life will glorify Him more and more with each passing day.
2. Its our response to our struggles and our weakness that shape us. I am really thankful for the "life message" of one of my fathers in the faith. HE taught me that you cant allow your circumstances to beat you, but that you MUST keep your eyes focused on heaven. The culture of heaven is difficult to see, but with Jesus, it is possible to live with a heavenly perspective and be filled with joy no matter how dark the world around you gets. I do NOT want to be offended, embittered, and numbed because of a wrong perspective, but I want to understand the implications that my responses have and their eternal value.
3. The Apostle Paul, Mother Teresa, and many other "heroes" of the faith (including my own personal heroes) did not feel adequate either. How you feel is not the measure of the kind of person you are. This is one of the ways we are attacked, but it is also something God uses to show us how glorious and how strong He is, and how weak we are.
I want to thank all the amazing people who have encouraged me lately, who have prayed for me, and who have supported me. You all help me to know that I am not forgotten, unloved, or lost in the shuffle. Your emails, Facebook messages, phone conversations, and care packages have meant SO much to me. I am so thankful for the people in my life who are not only willing to love me well, but are willing to love me to the point of always being honest with me, even when it may be difficult.
True love, is such that people are willing to lay down their lives and make sacrifices. I consider this is a high standard of holiness. Though maybe we aren't there yet, I know several people who I can recognize this kind of holiness in. If not always, then there are moments of clarity, where Jesus is able to shine brightly in your lives. Thank you for valuing the gospel above your own comfort, and choosing God's glory! It is an encouragement to many. And though the cost is high, the rewards of freedom and perfect love are more than worth it!!!
