laughter is the best medicine

It probably has to do with the massive amounts of stress that I am under all the time... Oh this weird/crazy life. But I find that laughing has become more and more important to me. I need to do it every day. Its not too hard to get my fix with all the insane and strange things that happen around my house... Lots of which, I probably shouldn't talk about here. Lets just suffice it to say, living with a lot of women who work a job where you have to talk about embarrassing things (such as sex, breastfeeding, women problems, etc) can get pretty darn interesting sometimes.

The lastest jokes might have to do with birth, whether it was a funny birth in a taxi, jeepny, tricycad, or CR (bathroom). The best part is the looks on the faces of the people who were not planning to be at the birth (taxi driver, jeepny passengers, etc.) Oh I think that birth can be SO funny.

I once had a patient who had a taxi birth. I asked her when she had felt the urge to push... She told me when the taxi driver took her to the local government hospital and that was where she first felt the need to push, then she told him. "NO, take me to that one (the one where I volunteer) clinic!!!!" She had her baby shortly after ( it was her third, so he just sort of slid out on the way to the clinic). They were super fun to take care of though! A sweetheart couple in love with each other and their baby!

There was another birth here a few days later. A lady had her baby on the jeepny. The best part? The other passengers were all nursing students! They just looked on and were terrified! Haha. Poor people...

Or maybe we laugh at some horrified bana's reaction to his wife giving birth for the first time (my favorite is when the bana threw up 6 times).

Yes its true... Lots of funny things happen around here. Some are appropriate to talk about, some aren't. But I think it is the much needed comedic relief for a life of such intensity. We are after all serving the poor, and sometimes sad things happen. Sometimes we are left slightly traumatized, and a really good or really funny birth is JUST what we need to move on. God knows right? He is great at sending the perfect comedic relief, or awesome patient at the perfect time. He is SO good. Because God knows, that sometimes we just need to laugh so hard that we shoot milk out of our nose... Even though we hadn't had milk for months.

laughing at my fear

I have been learning lately how to take myself less seriously. I am most definitely on a journey with Jesus. Sometimes it has been intense and introspective, but mostly just wildly ridiculous. I have really been learning the importance of letting go of a lot of things... Including my fears. Namely, my fear of man. I was sitting with my pal Jesus one day, and we decided together that this one has really got to go. Its about time.

The thing is, most people would look at me and say... You don't seem very fearful. In fact... probably since I was a small child I have been a bit of a risk taker. I wanted to go on all the scariest rides, take my bike down the fastest hill, and climb the highest tree/jungle gym/house available. I guess somewhere along the line I got this idea that I wasn't supposed to be afraid of anything, and if I was then I was weak. And that being weak is bad. Well, I realize now that that is just not true. Being weak is actually good. Being wrong is ok too. Messing up is forgivable. These may seem like obvious revelations, but I have really spent my entire life believing the opposite of these truths. God has focused on this with me lately though, and shown me the truth of how when I am weak He is strong. When I feel like the worst screw-up of a missionary/Christian/person, He is actually doing something greater in me.

The thing is, when I preform at less that the "expected standard" I feel this overwhelming shame cover me. I hate it. But I seriously worry about what others think. If I am wrong or if I don't know everything about a topic, shame. And when I just straight drop the ball and don't do what I "should," massive shame. Shame on me. I am SUCH a loser.

Well, the truth is that yes, I need to (wo)man up, put on my big girl panties and get what I need to do done. I need to be the grown-up that I and others know I am capable of being. But I am also not called to live in shame and self condemnation when I fail. CHYA. I am called to stand in confidence with Christ and ask Him to help me. Because when I am weak, HE is strong. I can ask Him for motivation, clarity, strength, etc. I long ago accepted the fact that yes, I can be a little slow, no I don't know everything, and in spite of my greatest efforts I will never be perfect. I don't have to be at the top of my class, I don't have to compare myself to anyone else. I can just be me and do the best that I can do. If I am a passing (s*****) who is an amazing midwife, then I did exactly what I came here to do. If I mess up and drop the ball sometimes, thats ok too. I have freedom in Christ to FAIL. But the question is, what will I do next? Wallow in my shame and self pity, getting myself more and more behind? OR move on, (wo)man up, and get going (even if its hard). I would rather be the second person. Because I want to be a person of integrity and honor.

So as introspective and intense as that was... I guess this post is really about saying that I have decided to get more done, not be ashamed if I don't, and laugh my butt off every day. The End.

Hazel and Ayessha

I had an AWESOME birth today! I came onto shift at 1:45pm, and got called into the birth room, because I was "first up" to catch a baby today. The patient (Hazel) was pushing, and I saw a little tiny bit of the head poking out as I sat down at the end of the bed, right in the "catcher's seat". The patient was so sweet and seemed to have made a great connection with her midwife from the day shift, who gently reassured Hazel that she would not be leaving, but she was just going to have me take over, while she assisted with the birth. As her uterus contracted, attempting to expel the tiny little human (which is actually the size of a watermelon) through something which is usually not the size of a watermelon, she breathed hard and asked me, "Can I push?" I assured her that when she felt a contraction to push. As she did, I encouraged her, "Siggy, utong! Maayo kaayo! Very good Hazel! Wow!" She protested, "No its not good, its painful!" I tried not to laugh at this, as I told her I was referring to her hard work of pushing, not the pain itself (as being very good).

As she breathed, in between contractions, she looked over at her midwife from the day shift and said, "Check the baby!" This was actually my favorite part of the birth (aside from the fact that it went almost perfectly)! When a patient is pregnant and in labor, we always monitor fetal heart tones (FHT). Sometimes when it is the first time a mama has heard her baby (like in her first prenatal), it is a very exciting moment for her. But I have never had a patient request... Or rather command a midwife to check her baby's heart tones! It was quite hilarious! I also really appreciated how in tuned she was with what was happening and she wanted to be in tuned with what was going on with the baby too!


So as Hazel continued to push, the little head made its appearance and at crowning I directed her, to breathe the head out with some "Hah! Hah!"s.  The head came out, after slid her little body, and with it a rush of excitement and adrenaline through my body!

Her baby made her way into this world after 9 short minutes. She was a sweet little 6lbs 3oz girl. I wiped the baby's, dried her a little, and lay her on her mama's tummy so that she could be skin-to-skin with her mother for some bonding and warmth, and then settled in to wait for the placenta to come out.

During the postpartum care, I got to know Hazel and her bantay (helper). She was so sweet! She looked up at me as I checked her blood pressure and pulse and asked, "Normal?" I assured her, "Very normal." Then she flinched as I massaged the top of her uterus (fundus) deep into her abdomen to assure that it was contracting and the bleeding was stopping. As I maimed her fundus, she protested and flinched. Later I taught her how to do it on her own, so I did not have to continue hurting her when I massaged it.

I finished all the of the postpartum care, birth certificate, and baby bath with energy to spare (which is incredibly rare)!! And discharged before the night shift. As Hazel and her bantay (Karen Joy) were getting up to leave with the new baby all wrapped up, I kissed the baby, and handed her to her mother and i asked her, "Do you know why I wanted to be a midwife?"
She said, "Because you love babies"?
I told her, "Well babies are kind of cool, yes. But really, my favorite part is being with the mother."
"Really? But why?" she asked.
I told her, "Well, God has done so many amazing miracles in my life. After going through a lot of hard times as a teenager, He really showed me how much I am loved and valued by Him. And thats the love I want to share with my patients."
Karen Joy looked at me and told me, "Wow, you are such a kind person. You are so different now."
I told her thank you as I saw them off to a taxi and said goodbye. And thought, wow its kind of amazing the handiwork God has done in my heart. Someone I have barely known for 6 hours can see the change, and the testimony of His amazing love, grace, and forgiveness that He has given me. I am so in awe of God's passion for His glory, and how He uses the weakest of us poor weak little humans, so show us how strong and amazing and loving He is! My hope in sharing my heart with my patient was not that I would receive a nice complement... My hope was that she would see God's glory, and she would understand how I valued her, because God values her so much more.

My life and my Jesus

I have been thinking a lot about how the gospel pertains to my life, and particularly my current circumstances.

Living life here can be challenging... Its really always hard being on the mission field. Its a battle. There is so much spiritual warfare, and sometimes it feels like we aren't supposed to talk about it. I think its important to share transparently though, because we know that, "God uses all things to work together for good..." Romans 8:28,  and because I feel like its important for the church in general, but especially people who support missionaries and want to be missionaries to be candidly told the rough, ugly, and beautiful truth of how hard it is to live out the gospel, and how unspiritual and dry it often feels. 

As a missionary lots of the time you feel alone, forgotten, lost in the shuffle. And really, nobody here can know me like my family and friends know me. This place is so crazy, its like culture shock on steroids sometimes! If you can remember, I wrote a little about it in my last newsletter (the birth room culture, midwife language, and several Filipino dialects, community living all rolled into one). Its easy to feel homesick, and I have definitely had the thought or consideration to come home more than once. 

We are not only students, but missionaries, and midwives. We are literally fighting a battle for life. Sometimes we lose. Sometimes babies are lost. Sometimes mamas are transported to the hospital for things out of our control. Being a midwife is hard. Its taxing on your body, all the moving, bending, pushing, pulling (you'd be surprised at how physical it can be), and we are up crazy random hours of the night and day, with no real schedule. It can also be draining on your emotions when you pour your heart into a patient that may get transported to the hospital for complications or when a patient tragically loses her baby. Its not fair. 

In addition, I am learning lots of new information, trying to finish large research assignments in short amounts of time while serving as a full time missionary and working 3 days a week as a midwife. I am so in need of God's strength and endurance. I often miss home. Especially the amazing church family I have, who consistently love a support me. I don't have that here. But I do have God to lean on and get my strength from... I am constantly thankful that when I am weak, He is strong. Because dang, I am SO weak. Haha.

Some things a couple people encouraged me with recently, are: 

1. Even though it feels like I am going backwards, often struggling with things that I haven't struggled with in years, feeling inadequate, immature, rejected, denied, weak, and genrally screwed up. Things are not as they seem. I am being transformed by the power of the holy spirit. In a pressure cooker. I am praying that I come out closer to God and that my life will glorify Him more and more with each passing day. 

2. Its our response to our struggles and our weakness that shape us. I am really thankful for the "life message" of one of my fathers in the faith. HE taught me that you cant allow your circumstances to beat you, but that you MUST keep your eyes focused on heaven. The culture of heaven is difficult to see, but with Jesus, it is possible to live with a heavenly perspective and be filled with joy no matter how dark the world around you gets. I do NOT want to be offended, embittered, and numbed because of a wrong perspective, but I want to understand the implications that my responses have and their eternal value. 

3. The Apostle Paul, Mother Teresa, and many other "heroes" of the faith (including my own personal heroes) did not feel adequate either. How you feel is not the measure of the kind of person you are. This is one of the ways we are attacked, but it is also something God uses to show us how glorious and how strong He is, and how weak we are. 

I want to thank all the amazing people who have encouraged me lately, who have prayed for me, and who have supported me. You all help me to know that I am not forgotten, unloved, or lost in the shuffle. Your emails, Facebook messages, phone conversations, and care packages have meant SO much to me. I am so thankful for the people in my life who are not only willing to love me well, but are willing to love me to the point of always being honest with me, even when it may be difficult. 

True love, is such that people are willing to lay down their lives and make sacrifices. I consider this is a high standard of holiness. Though maybe we aren't there yet, I know several people who I can recognize this kind of holiness in. If not always, then there are moments of clarity, where Jesus is able to shine brightly in your lives. Thank you for valuing the gospel above your own comfort, and choosing God's glory! It is an encouragement to many. And though the cost is high, the rewards of freedom and perfect love are more than worth it!!! 

Farther Along

Something God has been teaching me is that things are not always what they seem. I may be seeing something one way, but really He is doing something that I can't see right now. God does a lot of that. And history says, that some of the best and most amazing things He does come out of the most difficult circumstances. I am thankful for that... Though when I am in those circumstances, if I dont have a heavenly perspective and I am not constantly pursuing an eternal perspective I can lose vison and hope.

Sometimes, when you think you are just going backwards, you are Farther Along than you think.

Being a missionary is really hard. Sometimes its small things that give you moments of encouragement to keep going in what you know God has called you to do. This song is something that gave me hope and strength. At first I was struck by the beauty of the music itself and I didn't hear how much of the gospel is really in this song. But it really helped to give me more eternal perspective. I hope that it touches your heart as well. It is filled with truth.

Farther Along

Farther along we’ll know all about it

Farther along we’ll understand why

Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We’ll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why

The good man died, the bad man thrives

And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both

We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes

Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope

In a house of mirrors full of smoke

Confusing illusions I’ve seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along

To every chorus of the song

That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates

Leading mice and men down to their fates

But some will courageously escape

The seductive voice with a heart of faith

While walkin’ that line back home

So much more to life than we’ve been told

It’s full of beauty that will unfold

And shine like you struck gold my wayward son

That deadweight burden weighs a ton

Go down into the river and let it run

And wash away all the things you’ve done

Forgiveness alright

Chorus

Still I get hard pressed on every side

Between the rock and a compromise

Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul

And I’ve got no place left go

Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown

More glory than the world has known

Keeps me ramblin’ on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall

I’m free to love once and for all

And even when I fall I’ll get back up

For the joy that overflows my cup

Heaven filled me with more than enough

Broke down my levee and my bluff

Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us

Some rejoice and the others fuss

Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess

That the son of god is forever blessed

His is the kingdom, we’re the guests

So put your voice up to the test

Sing Lord, come soon

Chorus

If you want, there is actually a free download of this album available on Josh Garrel's website.

http://joshgarrels.bandcamp.com/track/farther-along

When the glory of His praises shall cover the earth...

DO you ever feel like some music makes you feel more artistic, more passionate, more beautiful, pleases your soul, and feeds your spirit? 

Lately I have been listening to a lot of music. I never was one to listen to music while I study, but lately I have taken to studying in coffee shops a lot (something else I never used to do well). It seems like I get a lot more done in the coffee shops here. Even though it seems like there might be more distractions, and usually at home this would be true, seeing as how I have a 90% chance of running into someone I know at all the coffee shops I tend to frequent.

 [insert characteristic Lindsy rant: This is actually something that I love about the coffee shops at home, they are good places to run into a friendly face and enjoy a spontaneous hug or a conversation to encourage each other in Christ, even make new friends and meet your friends friends! Not to mention that we have some pretty incredible coffee shops in Roseville/Rocklin, where you can get a great cup of coffee, and it is really not so here in the Philippines. The coffee is varying degrees of sucky, some less yucky and some just completely undrinkable. I find that I drink more tea here than I ever did at home.] 

SO ANYWAYS, as I was saying about studying in coffee shops and listening to music. I have been been listening to a lot of music. Mostly it is all music which glorifies God. Its not that I think its wrong or sinful to listen to secular music, I just find that when I listen to too much secular music at one time (which I do enjoy on occasion), I start becoming numb to whatever idols and demons the artists are unknowingly (or knowingly) glorifying. See, ALL music is worship. Music was created for worship!! It is MY personal FAVORITE way (as most of you may know) to worship the Lord and to express myself and my love for Him. In fact, when I was praying and asking the Lord to make my heart alive almost 2 months ago, Jesus told me to do one thing, He told me to sing!!! He knows my heart, and He knows that singing, especially singing to HIM makes my heart soar! I love music, I love the art of it, and the different creative sounds fill me with joy, emotion, compassion, love, and pleasure!!! I get SUCH pleasure from listening to certain music. For me though, these things are served best, when they are all for God's glory, so I do not feel obliged that I may only listen to Christian music, I love finding music that is artistic and also glorifies or worships and praises, and gives the Most High King the glory and honor and praise He is due! It is sparse, for some reason, Christians are just not tapping into the incredible richness of God's creativity and using it for His glory. I believe there is a renaissance coming though, where the artists will turn their hearts back to God and be inspired by what is pure and what is holy, and what is not only BEAUTIFUL, but the MOST beautiful, MOST creative, MOST loving Uncreated God!!!! I believe that with the power of God and the inspiration of heaven (which is unfathomable and incomparable to any beauty or creativity we know here on earth, God will break open the heavens over these artists and they will change the world, bringing people freedom from the spirits of religion (I think artists have a special gift in this, because they are weird and offensive to people, hence why the Christian art and music is SO boring!!! When their potential is capped by religion and apathy, no WONDER they are not walking in the fullness of the gifts God gave them!!!) 

I am eagerly awaiting a day when artists are walking in freedom, glorifying God, and tearing down strongholds with their expression of God's heart to people. Their art will teach us and show us different aspects of the beauty of Gods heart for us! It will foreshadow the age to come! The age where He will rule and reign, where every tongue will confess and every knee bow, to Him and call upon His name as Lord God and King of ALL!!! How I long for this day!!! I am SO deeply moved, and filled with hope for the fact that I worship this God who is holy, perfect, awesome, and transcendent in beauty!!!! 

I will eagerly anticipate the day when ALL of His glory is seen and known by the earth, when the earth joins in worshiping Him together. But for now, I will let the songs of love and worship with flow out my heart and praise Him. I will eagerly groan in intercession awaiting for the day when His glory manifests in the culture of art and music. I will pray for it, and desire it earnestly!!! Lord, let Your Kingdom come let your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven!!! Matthew 16:19 "For I have given you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." Lord, loose your creativity in heaven! Bind the spirits of darkness that are capping our potential to worship You how You rightly deserve to be worshipped here on earth!!! Let Your glory COVER the earth!!! 

And to ALL you artists who love the Lord and feel a deep lack in this area, may I encourage you to consecrate your hearts to the Lord. Cast aside the distractions of "art" which does not glorify God, and let your heart draw close to Him. Let Him inspire you with His goodness, with His beauty. Experience the richness of His beauty!!! Sing your songs of praise, play your songs of worship, paint His glory, write His poetry, sew His for His glory!!! Let all we do sing and praise and worship the Lord!!!! 

Culture shock, high ropes, and baby catchers!

It has been one month since I left Roseville for orientation in Clatskenie, OR, and I have now been in Davao for nearly 4 weeks. This is officially the longest I have ever been away from home. Its not as easy as I thought it would be. I have been adjusting to a new community (American in the midst of the Philippines), new food (with new bacteria), a warm sweaty climate with no A/C (except at malls and coffee shops), a house full of new women from all over the United States, Canada, and one girl from Germany, and no men to speak of anywhere. Haha. I miss you spiritual dads, brothers, and friends!!!

I have begun what the directors of the clinic call the love hate culture cycle. Haha. I have bottomed out once or twice so far. Sometimes when its a rough day, nobody understands what I am trying to say, despite the fact that we are both speaking english, one more cold shower, or a bug farm in my big tasty avocado is just enough to push me over the edge and make me want to cry. Then I will go to the clinic and see the women laboring and their amazing strength, and their gratitude toward me (even though I barely do anything at this point), I realize why I am here. I feel entirely inept. I feel 100% unqualified, and in no way do I have any confidence that I can make it through this program. I have asked God several times, "Why did you tell me to come here again? What were You thinking!?" Ok, then I remember He said, it won't be easy, but I am worth it, and I go in my prayer closet and spend some time with Jesus, and He gives me everything I need. He encounters me and encourages me and tells me that when I am weak, He will be strong. 

So its hard, because there are moments when I feel like I shouldn't be here. I could go back home to my comfortable life. I could have my own room again, get another car (or maybe a Vespa… thats an idea), and even get my old job back that I left with an open door. But I know that God called me here. I'm not sure I can do it. But by the power and the strength of Christ in me, I know I will. 

However, this adventure is not without excitement! DON'T worry, I won't bore you will my tales of woe for the next two years over and over. There is silver lining, there are bright spots. There is joy and strength in Christ, and I am having fun! 

Today I went to Samal Island for an outreach. The island is absolutely breathtakingly beautiful… and of course I forgot my camera. Its fun, because its really only a 15 minute dire to the dock, where we drove in a yellow VW bus onto a ferry that took us across to Samal. Its the island is like a resort paradise. There is actually a resort called Paradise on Samal, but its probably not the best one. There are several local places which range from $5 a night to $250. Amazing food, lush green rainforest, and white sandy beaches. The people who live on Samal mostly live in the middle, because all the beachfront properties are owned by the resorts. 

We left Davao at 8am, and arrived at the Foursquare church to do prenatals at about 9am. Three women came in for their prenatal check-ups and there was one baby check. After, the pastor and his wife usually take the group of midwives out to lunch (its in their church budget and they insist), but it was only 10:45am, so we went to Precious resort for coffee and a tour, and later had lunch there instead. Precious was gorgeous. The resort is a garden, but there is also a beautiful beach with lots of places to relax. We toured the resort and found some starfish and sand dollars before driving back to the ferry and going home. The only sad part of our wonderful adventure, is that while I was away, my best friend was waiting for me, falling asleep, and I missed our Skype date!

Ahh, tomorrow is Sunday, a welcomed day of rest. I am going sleep in, go to church (later) and go walking in the city with one of the second year students who I have become quite fond of (and hopefully reschedule that Skype date)! 

Monday, its back to work on my assignment (crunch time!) I am going to rock this assignment… But only by the grace of God. Then I am going to learn how to catch babies and save lives as a birth attendant! Amazing. 

I am finding that as I read my books and volunteer at the clinic and do outreaches, I am falling more and more in love with midwifery. The entire process of it, from the first prenatal to post partum care. I am loving the relationship, the natural stuff, and just seeing the women with their families. It really is such a beautiful process. Catching babies is so awesome! One of the coolest things is that when you catch a baby, you are the first person to touch that person. What an incredible responsibility! Even cooler than that though, as a midwife, I can empower women and husbands to catch their own babies sometimes. How much cooler would that be to watch someone pick up their own baby for the first time? Being the first to handel them! What an amazing experience! I pray that my experience as a midwife will be about me helping women and families to overcome their fears and have experiences that will change their lives forever. When complications arise, I pray that I will be equipped to handel them, know the perfect timing to hand them off to doctors. That I will find the balance between the midwife world and the doctor world. With these to worlds joined in relationship, we can be unstoppable in changing and saving lives. 

 I read in one of my textbooks that the word midwife  means "with woman" The midwife does not just "dump" or "punt" a pregnant woman through referral if medical or obstetrical complications arise. Rather she seeks the best balance of medicine and midwifery for the individual. 

I want to love and care for my patients beyond their practical needs. To joyfully serve them and to be an example of Jesus that would provoke them to seek God. He is greater, stronger, and higher than any other power we could give ourselves to! He is SO good! SO worthy, so kind, loving, gentle, and FILLS my heart with JOY! He is unstoppable, and with Him, I am unstoppable. When things look grim here, with life, with patients, with their difficult stories, there are promises I can stand on, and someone I can make my request to! I wouldn't be able to do it without Him. Thanks Jesus ;-)

Some pictures of my time here so far!

Preparing for the high ropes course at Outland Adventures (a ministry that has a leadership camp for inner city kids that the directors of Newlife School started)

View of the underside of the high ropes course!

Victorious midwives after a day of team building and high ropes course! 

Annabelle drinking some buko juice. We bought it from a roadside stand a few blocks away fro our house.

Holding one of our patients.